Chains
Your eyes are screaming in agony.
Your soul is begging to be set free.
Let go.
Let go of the heartache and pain.
If you don't it will consume you and enslave you.
Numbing is not the answer.
It is just another set of chains that will bring you to your knees.
She is a deceiver.
She makes you believe you are saved and masks destruction in euphoria.
She confuses you with promises of freedom and peace as hit by hit your body decays.
She cloaks reality in horror so all you want is one more hit.
You ache to feel her coarse through your veins.
It's all encompassing desire and nothing else compares.
She's a trickster pulling you in until you worship her and will do anything for her.
She will dominate you until she has bled you dry and you'll still want her
One last time.
Letter to a Past Love
I have never experienced anything so intense and passionate as our triste (as brief as it was) before or since. In my naivity and youth, the vulnerability and nakedness I felt when I was with you was so terrifying that I built walls up as fast as they collapsed before you in an effort to shut off what I felt so strongly. I am deeply sorry.
I hear your soft and tender voice and I release all of my defenses. I am naked but feel safe and home. You speak to my inner self and calm my restless spirit an ways I cannot explain nor fully understand.
Your touch goes right through me. I feel a deep pure connection to you that penetrates my hard exterior and I don't want you to let go.
Just the touch of your hand sends shivers all through me as though you are caressing my soul.
I can feel your presence long before I see or hear you, regardless of how crowded the room. I just know you are there.
I feel connected to you in ways that transcend mortality. It is as though we are kindred spirits bound through time and space.
My attraction to you is all encompassing and multifaceted and always will be. How I feel is unconditional, immeasurable, without explanation, eternal. You are beautiful in my eyes.
What I feel for you goes deeper than love. You are a part of me. I don't need to be near you of communicate with you in any way to feel connected to you.
We are not kids now and I am not a believer in long term monogamy so this is not an attempt in any way to rekindle or start something. That is not feasible, practical or a path I want to take. I just need to be open with my self and my feelings. It is freeing.
Thank you for pursuing me all those years ago because you are one of the best things that happened to me. I am sorry I was too weak to show you that back then. I know I hurt you and I am sorry for that.
Please, forgive me.
Love always
I hear your soft and tender voice and I release all of my defenses. I am naked but feel safe and home. You speak to my inner self and calm my restless spirit an ways I cannot explain nor fully understand.
Your touch goes right through me. I feel a deep pure connection to you that penetrates my hard exterior and I don't want you to let go.
Just the touch of your hand sends shivers all through me as though you are caressing my soul.
I can feel your presence long before I see or hear you, regardless of how crowded the room. I just know you are there.
I feel connected to you in ways that transcend mortality. It is as though we are kindred spirits bound through time and space.
My attraction to you is all encompassing and multifaceted and always will be. How I feel is unconditional, immeasurable, without explanation, eternal. You are beautiful in my eyes.
What I feel for you goes deeper than love. You are a part of me. I don't need to be near you of communicate with you in any way to feel connected to you.
We are not kids now and I am not a believer in long term monogamy so this is not an attempt in any way to rekindle or start something. That is not feasible, practical or a path I want to take. I just need to be open with my self and my feelings. It is freeing.
Thank you for pursuing me all those years ago because you are one of the best things that happened to me. I am sorry I was too weak to show you that back then. I know I hurt you and I am sorry for that.
Please, forgive me.
Love always
Sunday 18 September 2011
I have been working on a little piece of reflection. When I look at all the events of my life, the darkest moments when things have gone horribly and often painfully wrong are those times when I failed to listen to or blatantly ignored my inner voice. I have a guide inside that whispers most of the time but shouts when it has to. My path is not like others. I don't fit in the traditional world our society measures success and happiness by: the couple, the kids, the career, single detached home.... you know the drill. I have tried to squeeze into that cookie cutter role of wife and mother on more than one occasion. Every time I end up running full tilt away, screaming inside and ready to explode at any moment. It is not for me.
I look back on when my inner voice was the loudest and the near destruction I caused my self by squelching those urges to flee, to run... to not make those path choices. The most painful, terrifying, self-destructive events in my life occurred because I failed to head my inner voices call.
Why I chose to ignore what was right for me and followed the path that was laid out for someone else, I do not know. Perhaps it is my rebellious nature that caused me to do that. Or may be it was because I felt pressure outside and from within to be what a woman should be: a wife, a mother - to settle down. I have always ran from intimate relationships so perhaps I was trying to see if I could commit. Unfortunately, that was not the right time or relationship to test my staying power on. I also think that I was on a self-destruction mission because I had felt something so deep, intense and powerful at such a young age and pushed it away out of fear of being vulnerable. I wanted to punish myself and numb that pain and heartache with more pain and heartache. Sounds sadistic, I know and I was definitely that because what I ran to would usher in the most pain and heartache I would ever experience. It took all the strength I had to leave that relationship behind and again be content and follow my own path.
After many years of single parent living, I again, against my inner voice's guidance, attempted to live the traditional family life. Again, it was not for me and again I had to end it for my own sanity and happiness. I am not one who enjoys intimacy - sharing deep emotions - nor is comfortable in a committed relationship. When singularity turns to oneness my skin crawls and I need to run. I vehemently reject anything that threatens my individuality. I am no one's property nor am I a part of someone else. I am a whole, content, happy person on my own. I do not need nor want to share my life with someone or have them in my every day life. I love my solitude and privacy. I do not want to grow old, period. And I certainly don't want to do it with someone else by my side. I relish the thought that when my children have a grown into independent strong individuals who are on their own, I will be alone again. Free to live in whatever fashion I choose without having to consider any one else nor answer to them for my choices.
Regrettably, I have hurt those who I have let in and attempted to live a life that is not my own. I am deeply sorry and vow never to do that to anyone again. I will be honest about my intentions from the beginning and never waiver from them.
If there was any advice I would impart on the world it would be to always listen to your inner voice. Follow your gut instincts at all cost and do what is right for you and makes you happy. It is your life so lead it how you want.
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I look back on when my inner voice was the loudest and the near destruction I caused my self by squelching those urges to flee, to run... to not make those path choices. The most painful, terrifying, self-destructive events in my life occurred because I failed to head my inner voices call.
Why I chose to ignore what was right for me and followed the path that was laid out for someone else, I do not know. Perhaps it is my rebellious nature that caused me to do that. Or may be it was because I felt pressure outside and from within to be what a woman should be: a wife, a mother - to settle down. I have always ran from intimate relationships so perhaps I was trying to see if I could commit. Unfortunately, that was not the right time or relationship to test my staying power on. I also think that I was on a self-destruction mission because I had felt something so deep, intense and powerful at such a young age and pushed it away out of fear of being vulnerable. I wanted to punish myself and numb that pain and heartache with more pain and heartache. Sounds sadistic, I know and I was definitely that because what I ran to would usher in the most pain and heartache I would ever experience. It took all the strength I had to leave that relationship behind and again be content and follow my own path.
After many years of single parent living, I again, against my inner voice's guidance, attempted to live the traditional family life. Again, it was not for me and again I had to end it for my own sanity and happiness. I am not one who enjoys intimacy - sharing deep emotions - nor is comfortable in a committed relationship. When singularity turns to oneness my skin crawls and I need to run. I vehemently reject anything that threatens my individuality. I am no one's property nor am I a part of someone else. I am a whole, content, happy person on my own. I do not need nor want to share my life with someone or have them in my every day life. I love my solitude and privacy. I do not want to grow old, period. And I certainly don't want to do it with someone else by my side. I relish the thought that when my children have a grown into independent strong individuals who are on their own, I will be alone again. Free to live in whatever fashion I choose without having to consider any one else nor answer to them for my choices.
Regrettably, I have hurt those who I have let in and attempted to live a life that is not my own. I am deeply sorry and vow never to do that to anyone again. I will be honest about my intentions from the beginning and never waiver from them.
If there was any advice I would impart on the world it would be to always listen to your inner voice. Follow your gut instincts at all cost and do what is right for you and makes you happy. It is your life so lead it how you want.
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When my older children were young, I made up stories for them at night. They were a series of short stories following two characters. One was a young Tyrannosaurus Rex named Albert and the other a lanky, 9 year old cave boy, with a massive afro, named Oogidy Boogidy. I would ask my children to pick a season and the weather and sometimes an activity. From that, I would create a story on the fly.
I will share them with you. Tell my what you think!!
The Skipping Rope
It was a sunny spring day. Oogidy Boogidy decided to go outside and try out his new ball. He put on his jacket, tied his running shoes, flew out the door and ran down his from steps. He took his new ball out of the bin in his garage and began bouncing it all over his driveway. He was seeing how high he could get his new ball to bounce when he heard, "OUCH!".... "OUCH!".... "OUCH!"
It sounded like someone was getting hurt. He heard to cries again. It was Albert!! Oodigy Boogidy dropped his ball and ran across three yards to get to Albert's house.
When he got there he found Albert in his driveway holding a skipping rope. Albert looked very frustrated.
"Why were you yelling 'OUCH', Albert? Oogidy Boogidy asked.
"I can't skip. This is my favourite skipping rope but every time I try to skip it hits me," grumbled Albert. "I was a great skipper last year and
now I can't even skip over my rope one time."
"When I raise the rope high over my head, like this," Albert demonstrated, "the rope hits my shins - OUCH - and it hurts."
"Oh," responded Oogidy Boogidy as we watched thoughtfully.
"But if I swing the rope low to jump over it the rope hits the back of my head like this. 'OUCH!' and that hurts too," sighed Albert with frustration and disappointment.
"I just don't understand why this is happening when the rope worked just fine last summer."
"Hmmm...has anything changed since you jumped rope last, Albert?" explored Oogidy Boogidy.
"My mom tells me I am growing like a weed and my pants and shirts from last summer are kind of short," recalled Albert. "Do you think I am too big for my skipping rope too? -- It's my favourite, Oodigy Boogidy."
"Maybe, Albert. Let's try something. I'll be right back."
With that, Oogidy Boogidy ran back to his house. Albert watched him go into his garage. He waited anxiously, unsure of what Oogidy was up to. In a few moments, Oogidy Boogidy reappeared, gleaming, with something in his hand. He ran back to Albert as fast as he could.
"Here, Oogidy said excitedely."Try skipping with this."
Albert took the rope and placed the handles in his hands. He swung the rope under his feet and it went around, over his head and back toward his feet. He jumped over the rope and it swung all around him again. He skipped without getting hit!
"It works!!" Exclaimed Albert. "I can skip again!!"
"Yay, Albert!" Oodigy Boogidy shouted happily. "That is my double dutch rope, Albert. It fits you perfectly!"
"Wow!!" Albert was surprised. "I guess I really did grow. Thank you, Oogidy."
"You're welcome. I am glad you can skip again."
"Here," said Albert as he handed Oogidy Boogidy his fabourite skipping rope. "You can use my old skipping rope so we can skip
together."
"Thanks, Albert," Oogidy Boogidy replied as he put the rope in his hands and began to skip along with Albert.
Albert and Oogidy Boogidy skipped the afternoon away laughing and having fun. It wasn't that Albert had forgotten how to skip but that his body had grown too big for the rope he was using. With the rope that Oogidy Boogidy gave him, Albert was doing his favourite activity with ease.
The End
I will share them with you. Tell my what you think!!
The Skipping Rope
It was a sunny spring day. Oogidy Boogidy decided to go outside and try out his new ball. He put on his jacket, tied his running shoes, flew out the door and ran down his from steps. He took his new ball out of the bin in his garage and began bouncing it all over his driveway. He was seeing how high he could get his new ball to bounce when he heard, "OUCH!".... "OUCH!".... "OUCH!"
It sounded like someone was getting hurt. He heard to cries again. It was Albert!! Oodigy Boogidy dropped his ball and ran across three yards to get to Albert's house.
When he got there he found Albert in his driveway holding a skipping rope. Albert looked very frustrated.
"Why were you yelling 'OUCH', Albert? Oogidy Boogidy asked.
"I can't skip. This is my favourite skipping rope but every time I try to skip it hits me," grumbled Albert. "I was a great skipper last year and
now I can't even skip over my rope one time."
"When I raise the rope high over my head, like this," Albert demonstrated, "the rope hits my shins - OUCH - and it hurts."
"Oh," responded Oogidy Boogidy as we watched thoughtfully.
"But if I swing the rope low to jump over it the rope hits the back of my head like this. 'OUCH!' and that hurts too," sighed Albert with frustration and disappointment.
"I just don't understand why this is happening when the rope worked just fine last summer."
"Hmmm...has anything changed since you jumped rope last, Albert?" explored Oogidy Boogidy.
"My mom tells me I am growing like a weed and my pants and shirts from last summer are kind of short," recalled Albert. "Do you think I am too big for my skipping rope too? -- It's my favourite, Oodigy Boogidy."
"Maybe, Albert. Let's try something. I'll be right back."
With that, Oogidy Boogidy ran back to his house. Albert watched him go into his garage. He waited anxiously, unsure of what Oogidy was up to. In a few moments, Oogidy Boogidy reappeared, gleaming, with something in his hand. He ran back to Albert as fast as he could.
"Here, Oogidy said excitedely."Try skipping with this."
Albert took the rope and placed the handles in his hands. He swung the rope under his feet and it went around, over his head and back toward his feet. He jumped over the rope and it swung all around him again. He skipped without getting hit!
"It works!!" Exclaimed Albert. "I can skip again!!"
"Yay, Albert!" Oodigy Boogidy shouted happily. "That is my double dutch rope, Albert. It fits you perfectly!"
"Wow!!" Albert was surprised. "I guess I really did grow. Thank you, Oogidy."
"You're welcome. I am glad you can skip again."
"Here," said Albert as he handed Oogidy Boogidy his fabourite skipping rope. "You can use my old skipping rope so we can skip
together."
"Thanks, Albert," Oogidy Boogidy replied as he put the rope in his hands and began to skip along with Albert.
Albert and Oogidy Boogidy skipped the afternoon away laughing and having fun. It wasn't that Albert had forgotten how to skip but that his body had grown too big for the rope he was using. With the rope that Oogidy Boogidy gave him, Albert was doing his favourite activity with ease.
The End