No More Excuses As I stand at the sink washing what seems like my millionth soiled glass . . . I hear myself urging my daughter to follow her dreams and not to let anything or anyone tell her she can't, and it feels hollow somehow. I fade into myself and all the dreams I have had in my life that were put on a shelf because I listened to someone's discouragements. I recall my dream of singing for a living and my need to express my deepest emotions through song. What stopped me? The answer comes to me (as it did back then) as I recall the night I sat in my car in the parking lot, staring at the door to the studio I was to audition to sing lead for an established local band. Fear of failing, I started the ignition an drove slowly away. The knowledge that I would be standing naked, defenceless and raw before a band of strangers who could totally reject me was too much to bare. At the time, I felt that allowing myself to be that vulnerable was worse than living with the knowledge that I gave up before I began. I never fully returned to that dream. My heart just wasn't in it enough to do all the hard work it would take to get where I want. My thoughts fast forward twelve years. My marriage is falling apart because I can't deal with the pain, loneliness, and unhealthiness of my environment. I see several advertisements for auditions for modelling and acting agencies. The first cattle call was held at The Docks in Toronto and I quickly discovered that it was actually a feeder audition - a front - for pornographic film productions. The called and asked if I would be interested in doing films which would make me $1500 a piece. I declined the offer, regardless of how lucrative and in-obtrusive they made it seem. It is just something I am not interested in doing so I crossed yet another pipe dream off the list. Next, I explored an opportunity with a management agency for film and commercials. The agency was IN Group. They seemed legit so I paid for head shots and had the full make up and photo shoot experience. But my heart wasn't really in this either so I didn't wow them. My gut kept telling me this was not all that it seemed. After the shoot was complete and I met with them to pick up my head shots, I learned that there were more fees AND they would take a commission on top. IF I got a gig, that it. They were an agency who makes their real income from their clients who pay hundreds of dollars to have them represent them and NOT in the film or advertisements. So I went home defeated and crossed yet another hopeful off the list. My next attempt at stardom came in the shape of a modelling agency. As I sit in the lobby reading their propaganda and listening to the other hopefuls speak with the "agents" (I use that term loosely), I quickly realize that this was just a fly-by-night scam agency. They were just there to make money from the dreams of many. An agent told a little girl (and her mother) that she had potential but needed modelling training which would cost thousands of dollars and a portfolio which would cost hundreds of dollars . . . and then there was the agency fees and on and on but always with the promise of stardom. Reeling from the dollar signs, I left that place before even meeting with anyone. I later learned from someone in the film industry that the real agencies don't charge you to get involved but will take a commission (referral fee) when you work because real agencies make their money keeping you busy. That same person you told me real agencies don't sell a dream gave me the contact info of a local agency. All they needed was a headshot, a short bio including height, weight, hair color, eye color and birth date and an enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope for them to send your info back to you if they decide to not represent you. I sent in my info and received it back in a few weeks. I was impressed by their integrity and professionalism but not surprise in the least. I expected as much because modelling and acting were really not dreams of mine. I knew that modelling and acting were not the path for me. I was still avoiding my real dream. . . the one I have had since I was young. . . My thoughts drift to truer dream . . . . . . a more true to me kind of dream. The dream of being a published writer. I have been writing stories and poems from the time I learned the magical power of taking a writing implement and forming letters and words on a page. Writing with a pen and paper is meta-cognitive for me. The words and story flow from my subconsciousness through my arm to my hand and onto the page in a mystical and almost spiritual way. And, like my reader, I don't know the story until it takes shape on the page, most of the time. These sudden impulsive bursts of creative thought come at all hours and often at very random times. I have to write down because they eat at me and take over all my thought processes until I do. These brainwaves come to my attention as a phrase or even just an image accompanied by anxious energy. It is that sense of urgency that compels - no forces - me to write it down. I learned over the years, that if I fight the urge and do not put pen to paper while that feeling is strong, it will fade and eventually disappear along with the words. There is no writing that piece later. The thought is lost and so is the story. That's exactly what they were: brainwaves. They still happen but for many years, I stopped putting a pen and pad by my bed and in easy reach . . . I had stopped writing. Much of the last thirteen years of my life have been filled with raising children, returning to school and struggling to make inroads into an incredibly stable career. A career that would, I thought, allow me the freedom to return to my writing. At every decade year, my reflections remind me of this longing . . . . . . longing to write something of value and be able to say "I am a writer" when asked what I do and for it to be true . . . not just a hobby I do in my spare time. Fast forward to the present. After more than 10 years struggling to make it in the teaching profession, doing whatever I can to earn that coveted holy grail called a permanent teaching position, I gave up. In a deep funk and faced with disappointment after disappointment . . . I began doing personal inventory . . . looking at my dreams and personal ambitions. I have done this so many times in my life But this time it was different. I was approaching it differently. I have cast this dream aside for too long. Every path I take in life brings me back to it . . . everything. I decided to seriously pursuit writing and see where it will take me. Deciding that writing professionally was something I can do and will do turned on a switch inside me. The ideas are flowing and I set a goal to hone my craft and become a successful copywriter by year's end. I decided to stop getting in my own way; to follow my heart and trust that everything else will fall into place. But believing in my own success is hard for me. Believing I deserve success and what that brings is even harder. I am my toughest critic and have expected so little for myself all my life. I realized that I have been punishing myself for never seeing anything through so heavily that it has prevented me from completing things and giving anything a real solid committed effort. It's that self-fulfilling prophecy working against me, instead of for me, that I needed to change. I am making those mental changes and setting goals that are attainable but challenging enough to push me forward. I have the time to write and nothing left to lose. I am at the lowest I want to be. The pandemic left me unemployed but a universal income of $2000/month enabled me to take the leap and give my dream of writing professionally an earnest effort. Once again the longing to make writing my life and career forces its way to the surface. . . . . . only this time I was ready to make the mental switch and change this dream from a wish to a want . . . I looked at the life I have and what I was unable to provide for myself or my children and knew I had to make a change and fast. I decide to work on my writing and see where it can take me. It's time for me to take my own damn advice. It's time to do what I love and earn a good income doing it. It's time to use my talents and passions for to help entrepreneurs, like you, express their vision clearly and tell their stories in ways that resonate. Writing is one dream that won't let me go. For you, it may be craftsmanship, design, sales, architecture, medicine, home building or carpentry. Whatever it is . . . It tugs at you and pulls you toward opportunities that you would never have had if you didn't commit yourself to giving it your all and seeing where it led. For me, it took so many bottoms. So many failures because I ignored what really made me feel alive. For me, it took digging deep to identify my why and what my true purpose is. It took asking myself the question I am going to ask you, and answering it honestly to convince me that I was worth it and my dream was worth achieving. So here it is. . . What would you do if money didn't matter? Answering that question, was a powerful epiphany for me. A turning point that required a major mental shift. No more using my children, economic situation or pragmatism as excuses. I no longer fear failing because not putting my heart and soul into building a career doing what I love and need to do IS failure. Failure to be true to myself. Failure to show (not just tell) my children that they need to follow their dreams and stay true to themselves no matter what. And so . . . I begin my journey full of drive and excitement. And after a few short months of serious commitment, hard work, and long hours of honing my craft, I am able to proudly declare that "I am a freelance copywriter." My children are my motivation and my inspiration. They deserve a better life and so do I. I want to teach them to never give up on their dreams. And never should you. I had to learn that life lesson the hard way. BUT if sharing my story with you will help you see that your dreams are totally within your reach. That you can do what you love and be rewarded both personally and financially for it, Inspires and motivates you to get out of your own way and just do it, Then I have saved someone from the hardship and heartache that comes from not doing what you were truly meant to do. And sharing my story with you was totally worth it. Randine |
AuthorLover of the literature and in awe of the power of words to create and destroy. Archives
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